Archive for the ‘My Skits’ Category
On the water boats at Silverwood, Fat Guy 1 and Fat Guy 2 (they’re brothers) are having quite a good time squirting each other with the water guns on the front of their mini-boats. Suddenly, Fat Guy 2’s trigger jams. Fat Guy 1 uses this to his advantage and douses Fat Guy 2 with water, showing no mercy. Well, Fat Guy 2 has had enough of Fat Guy 1’s shit. He jumps out of his boat into the five foot deep water and angrily marches over to Fat Guy 1’s boat. He climbs aboard.
Meanwhile, the boat attendant guy (Nathan ~ nervous, skinny white kid whose Silverwood uniform looks like it could use a few more Nathans) is yelling from the docks at Fat Guy 1. ”Sir, you can’t do that sir. Sir, please get back in yer own boat. SIR!” Fat Guy 1 and Fat Guy 2 are now fighting. They throw punches and wrestle close to two minutes, all in slow-motion. Finally, Fat Guy 2 prevails and Fat Guy 1 is knocked into the water. Dripping, with water droplets coming off the ends of his hair (like those Gatorade commercials), Fat Guy 2 lets out a loud roar towards the sky while beating on his chest. He then pops Fat Guy 1’s water boat with his camouflage knife and swims towards the docks. Once he gets to the docks, he pulls his zipper down and pees in the water, unavoidable to swim around to an incoming Fat Guy 1.
This fat crazy lady with rags for clothes and long greasy black hair is walking down the street gripping tight an unsharpened pencil. She hobbles up to this random business guy in a suit and says to him through grit teeth and one eye closed, pointing up at the pencil, “Yu got a knife???” He responds after doing four or five double-takes of what’s standing in front of him and says, “Are you fuckin’ high?”
Stoner dude (Dave) with blonde dreadlocks and a Seedless t-shirt is waiting for the doctor to come back with his x-ray results. Doc finally walks in.
Dave – (real positive/excited/nervous voice) “So Doc, how’d I do?”
Doc – (slow and calm voice, looking over the x-ray) “Do you ever….have difficulty catching yer breath, Dave?”
Dave – (after a long pause) “Yea man, actually yu know, I have had breathin’ troubles, man. It’s like….it’s like fuckin’ cottonmouth of the lung, man. Cottonlung.”
Doc – (gives the x-ray to Dave) “Dave, there’s a blunt in yer lung.”
Dave – (wide-eyed with surprise) “Dude.”
Doc – “Dude.”
Ice skating today with Bradley and Keeko! Shit man, I haven’t been ice skating in fuckin’ forever. Haha. As Brad easily does toe stands and 360′s, me and Keeko’ll be kicked out by the rink officials for excessive displays of failure. Haha!
Me – (high, whiny voice) “But I just wanted to skate!”
Keeko – (in the background) “Yea, yea!”
Rink Official – (calm, but dead serious) “Get the fuck off my ice, miss.”
Sooo, me and Bruh and Sis just stopped at 7-11 and got M&M’s and fuckin’ Slurpees. The car is full of Slurpees. There’s seriously like 6 of them in the cupholders. Dude if we get pulled over, we’re so fucked. I can see it now.
Cop – (real suspicious) “Why the hell are there so many Slurpees in here?”
Me – (Roll down my window from the backseat, eyes red as shit, and yell in a fast and loud tone) “I needa refill without refillin’!”
Cop – “Ma’am get out of the car.”
Me – (soft and guilty) “K.”
Child – “Oh no, Chase is calling me.”
Me - “Jesus?!?”
(Child’s laughing hysterically at this point, so I grab her phone and in all seriousness I’m like….)
Me – “Jesus?!? It’s me! Dude, where the hell are you, I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”
(Chase hangs up.)
(Sis walks in my room, a brownie in her hand. I’m sitting cross-legged on the floor trying to remember why I went in there in the first place.)
Sis – “Mmmm, this brownie is really good.”
Me – (real serious tone) “She died.”
Sis – (silent, very confused)
Me – “Oh sorry! I thought you were the left side of my brain.”
(Me and Sis are sitting at the dinner table eating chicken and I forget my napkin in the kitchen and I really have to spit out a piece of hard chicken. So I sneakily grab Sis’ napkin and relieve myself. Then (not on purpose) I end up putting the dirty napkin back on her plate right in the ranch. Too bad she saw me. Ahahaha!)
Sis – “Spit stained chicken wings in my ranch? IN MY RANCH?!? IT’S MY FUCKIN’ RANCH!!!”
Me – (real subtle + quiet) “I need a napkin.”
Sis – (arms flailing, nostrils flared) “Getcho own fuckin’ napkin!!!”
(I’m in my room, Sis is in the kitchen microwaving chicken for dinner. There’s a wave of black smoke that slowly makes its way into my room. I see it and begin to wonder.)
Me – (yelling down the hallway) “Did yu burn the chicken???”
Sis – (said after a 5 second pause, all cool and collected) “It’s on fire.”
Me – “WHAT?!? THERE’S A FIRE?!?”
(As I stomp into the kitchen out of breath and find Sis laughing her ass off, proud as hell that she had tricked me yet again. Ahahaha! )