Posts Tagged ‘marijuana’
Stoner dude (Dave) with blonde dreadlocks and a Seedless t-shirt is waiting for the doctor to come back with his x-ray results. Doc finally walks in.
Dave – (real positive/excited/nervous voice) “So Doc, how’d I do?”
Doc – (slow and calm voice, looking over the x-ray) “Do you ever….have difficulty catching yer breath, Dave?”
Dave – (after a long pause) “Yea man, actually yu know, I have had breathin’ troubles, man. It’s like….it’s like fuckin’ cottonmouth of the lung, man. Cottonlung.”
Doc – (gives the x-ray to Dave) “Dave, there’s a blunt in yer lung.”
Dave – (wide-eyed with surprise) “Dude.”
Doc – “Dude.”
My feet feel like tiny toddlers are living in the nails of my toes….they just keep shakin’ their rattles, and with every one of those shakes, my feet will twitch in response….I love it….it’s like when the doctor whacks you in the knee with that triangle shaped thing, and you sit there and giggle silently to yerself cuz hey!, you suddenly have no control over yer leg anymore….ahahaha!….awesome awesomeness….
My legs don’t feel quite as tingly as my feet, but they’re sure as hell tryin’….seriously, like a huge tingly sensation knots in one place inside my calf and it feels like its gonna go allllll the way up, but then it just stops….it’s craaaaazy….
My fingers like co-ordinate with my ears somehow….because I’ll sit here and find myself typing along with the drum parts of songs in my headphones….its hard to keep up with some….for example, I have “Live Forever” by the Oasis playing right now, and I’m ‘typing’ to the cymbal in the foreground of the song….every letter = one strike of the cymbal….it’s actually really hard….
My skin feels like there are millions and millions of ants doing push ups simultaneously underneath it….an army of them….just all lined up directly under my skin….with different ‘pushup-timings’ so it gives me an ocean wave pattern of feeling in my upper arms….omg, “Pattern Of Feeling”….awesome band name….
My brain….o man my brain….haha….so far up in the clouds right now, it’s incredible….shit, I’m LIVIN’ in the clouds right now….reality is not for me….people say that I should come down, that the clouds are not a place to be….I smile at them….maybe one day, I say maybe one day I will come down….but I never will….reality is not for me….I shall stay up here….the view is quite breathtaking….
Xavier wasn’t the smartest kid to call Maplewood High School his own. To tell you the truth, he was practically the only 18-year-old to not have graduated in the little town of Kumina.
One day, while walking home from smoking dope downtown, Xavier witnessed a brutal hobo beating in the park. One hobo was even clever enough to take off his nasty hobo hat and was now using it to take bets on his buddy’s fight. Xavier rushed over to place a bet of his own, but had no cash due to the dub he had purchased earlier. “I’ll pay in weed man, I’ll pay in weed!!!” exclaimed Xavier as he frantically searched for his purchase. The bookie took his ‘dirty money’ and Xavier was in!
The bums fought viciously for close to five rounds, nearing six. The one that had the shark-tooth necklace seemed to have given up. Good thing Xavier bet on the other hobo! Forty bucks, seven bums, two hours later, Xavier looked back on his day as an overall success and cracked a smile. “Life is good, man. Plain and fucking simple.”
Damn. I am quite deep in the clouds right now. Haha.
There I stood in my pink mocassins, clutching closely what I had left in life. The glowing numbers illuminated my right cheekbone as I blabbed on about something I knew for a fact she could care less about. Zipping my mouth shut with my index finger just made her more angry. I would’ve settled for the slow-motion eye roll, but of course that meant losing. And I hate losing. She rose to her feet at once, attempting to throw me a shaky left hook to the mouth. But being the frail skinny Mexican that she was, her grasp shattered into a million puzzle pieces as I devoured her punch, wedding finger and all.
Dude, weed is so awesome. See, this is why I enjoy it so much (read the nonsense paragraph above a few more times). The heightened want to write, the random shit I find myself writing about, the happy-go-lucky feeling behind every single thing I do, the ability to create without having a mindset for mistakes. Happy mistakes is what I’d consider them. The paranoid points, the thrills, the risks involved. Fuck, I live for that shit man. That’s a high right there and I don’t even have to be stoned. Haha.
What’s the most legit reason why I smoke pot? That’s a hard question, it really is. Got an answer though. Because I wanna experience heaven before I die. Yup yup. And I have man. Fer fuckin’ sure. I seriously laugh so incredibly hard, and then crack up even harder cuz I’m laughing at how hard I’m laughing in the first place. Haha. Amen.
Well eventually it had to happen cuz every stoner has one right? Haha. Well enjoy.
1 – Fuck, I am soooo hungry.
2 – “Is it frowned upon out here to eat deodorant?”
3 – Bong hits for Jesus!
4 – “I swear, Stralser knows I’m high you guys.”
5 – Bruh choking from the dank shit.
6 – The Dollar Tree.
7 – The candy aisle inside the Dollar Tree.
8 – Cheech.
9 – Chong.
10 – The Beatles.
11 – Red eyes.
12 – MOO NIGGA!
13 – Jesus Christ, I’m still stoned.
14 – Clear Eyes.
15 – I enjoy writing so much better when I’m high.
16 – I wish everything was less expensive.
17 – Fat people depress me.
18 – …And they lived of Crunch And Munch.
19 – Wake and bake.
20 – “Bruh, you should let myself run around in the wheatfields.”
21 – Bic lighters.
22 – Cream and wine.
23 – The Dollar Menu kicks ass.
24 – Some things just make more sense when yer high.
25 – And some things don’t.
26 – You have no idea how stoned I am.
27 – I totally sucked yesterday.
28 – I’ll get it together next meet.
29 – Or the one after that. Whenever. No rush.
30 – What’s that smell?
31 – Burnt chicken.
32 – Bruh’s jeep smells like old good times.
33 – I don’t trust people who don’t like music.
34 – No one listens to my ideas. Ever.
35 – Fuck. Ing. A.
36 – Twitchers united.
37 – Just blame it on the weed.
38 – Is there anything I’ll need to be happier?
39 – Perhaps some food.
40 – Erasers and apple juice.
41 – Mindless mindlessness.
42 – Skittles are today….
43 – Widespread tinglies.
44 – Fresh outta the oven, Sally.
45 – “Who’s cookie’s on the floor?”
46 – Cottonmouth of the eyes.
47 – And the lungs.
48 – Fuckin’ cotton lung, man.
49 – Christ Christ Jesus….Christ.
50 – No matter how hard you try, you cannot baptize cats.
51 – I think I was born high.
52 – ‘Tis the season….to erase the world.
53 – I don’t think you understand what’s going on here. I don’t sell pot. I sell dreams.
54 – Oh yea, and I sell pot.
55 – “Did you drop a cookie?”
56 – Sometimes everything itches.
57 – Batteries in my boots.
58 – Flicking fucking Fruit Loops out my fucking window.
59 – Writing is like speaking.
60 – But not really.
61 – “I’m so fuckin’ gone right now.”
62 – It’s colder than Frosty’s dick out here!
63 – I can’t remember the last story I wrote.
64 – I read it over again, too.
65 – Forty-six times.
66 – Gangster Billy And His Crazy Lion Posh.
67 – What if every time you sneezed or yawned, you lost a hair from yer head?
68 – Whoa.
69 – Dodgeball is an art, man.
70 – Friendly fire isn’t friendly. Nope.
71 – My vagina needs CPR.
72 – What if yer binder talked to you?
73 – I just heard the rainforest sounding on the left side of my brain.
74 – Highlighters just aren’t pregnant enough for this world.
75 – Yu know?
76 – Wait, what?
77 – Jeez, these drawings are like super fucking amazing.
78 – Skippin’ for smokin’.
79 – Western accents.
80 – Dreams are funny things.
81 – Genius skits.
82 – Away to the mountains we go!
83 – Yer trippin’ balls….man….man….man….man.
84 – Mickey + Minnie.
85 – Awesome awesomeness.
86 – Too much brain in my head.
87 – Just because I don’t remember shit doesn’t mean I’m dumb.
88 – Man, how do I get the tri-athlete award and I’m a stoner?
89 – Fuckin’ righteous shit right there.
90 – For a second there I lost focus.
91 – But then just came to realize there was no more weed left in the bowl.
92 – Ahahahahahaha!
93 – Exclamation marks are just upside-down birthday candles.
94 – What if the newest, most awesomest hobby was collecting two-word bumper stickers?
95 – Thad be so cool.
96 – “Oh my god, what if I died cuz I thought I couldn’t swallow anymore?”
97 – That would suck some major D.
98 – Cash that shit, nigga.
99 – Prime Time time.
100 – Where am I?
101 – Vaporizers are very underrated.
102 – “It’s like a bird’s eye view of fuckin’ sheriff town.”
103 – Let’s take a picture.
104 – Together.
105 – In this room.
106 – Pop rocks.
107 – “Child yer pulling my pants down and my ass crack is now showing to the world.”
108 – Hot cheetoh.
109 – Don’t pee yerself again.
110 – You got the most straightest face on yer look.
111 – “Did yu bowl good?”
112 – “Yea.”
113 – “No.”
114 – Boom dust storminess.
115 – Party foul.
116 – Fuckin’ crackhead.
117 – “Somebody go check on Bernana. She might be dying.”
118 – “What if I gave you a kiss and it was all full of pizza?”
119 – I can feel my brain.
120 – I’ll throw you some punch.
121 – Dumbass.
122 – Is my mom here?
123 – I had a nice ass when I was little.
124 – Krusty cum.
125 – I think this shit was laced.
126 – With flour.
(Sis walks in my room, a brownie in her hand. I’m sitting cross-legged on the floor trying to remember why I went in there in the first place.)
Sis – “Mmmm, this brownie is really good.”
Me – (real serious tone) “She died.”
Sis – (silent, very confused)
Me – “Oh sorry! I thought you were the left side of my brain.”
Sooo pretty much Santa’s skipping my house this year. Unless he approves of Mary and her sister Jane.
Yu know what, maybe he does. I mean, him and his little elves hafta be on something cuz how the hell else are they gonna make like 500 toys a day? Meth’s out, cuz Santa’s veins aren’t prominent enough cuz he’s a fatass. Unless he smokes it? Naw, Santa’s not that crazy. Crazy, but not that crazy.
Dude, I think I know what he does. He prolly hits up all those underground sweat shops in Asia. I can hear him now —-> “I’ll make yu a buncha rice kid, just get this shit done!”
Ahhh, Santa. He’s a badass. Too bad he’s only in it for the ho’s.