Posts Tagged ‘snow’
Hi. My name is Sam. I carry my vacuum everywhere I go. His name is Beaner. Beaner has these wicked little claws that come out from under him whenever I find one a’ those pesky Snow-Mamas in my yard. Beaner gets the job done right, too. No prisoners, ohhhh no.
Like this one time, a Snow-Mama and her child had made refuge in the east corner of my front yard. I think that damn neighbor kid Henry might have made ‘em. Bastard. Anyways, I fired up ol’ Beaner and dismembered that Snow-Mama.
Her child was awfully cute though, so I had my way with her. Repeatedly. In my yard. In the middle of December. She kept screaming, “Stop! Get away!, but I think that was just because when I switched to doggy-style, she caught a glimpse of her mother’s puddle on the ground. She’ll get over it though. They always do.
Hi my name is Sam. And I rape Snow-Babies.
There once was a 502 pound bear named Yogi Bareass. (Everybody called him Bareass for short, cuz he usually waddled around naked. ’Twas all good though cuz his rolls covered everything that needed to be covered.)
One bright morning in December, Yogi woke up from his bed and ran outside because ‘wow’ it was snowing. Once he got outside, he noticed he was nippin’, but this was no ordinary nippin’. Yogi’s nipples (all 4 of them; he had a double nip on each side) had frozen solid and turned white.
Yogi was freaking out and couldn’t stop touching them. So he decided to go visit his old friend Hershey. She was a 2,000 pound cow. Yogi arrived at Hershey’s pasture about 3.5 hours later, even though she lived like 2 houses down. (His thighs were chaffing, so he had to stop to rub lotion on them along the way.) When he told her about his problem, she was like, “I think I can help. Bend down here so I can take a lick. Errr…look.” When Yogi bent over, Hershey licked all his frozen nipples and turned them all back to normal again. Amen.