Archive for the ‘My Skits’ Category
Stoner dude (Dave) with blonde dreadlocks and a Seedless t-shirt is waiting for the doctor to come back with his x-ray results. Doc finally walks in.
Dave – (real positive/excited/nervous voice) “So Doc, how’d I do?”
Doc – (slow and calm voice, looking over the x-ray) “Do you ever….have difficulty catching yer breath, Dave?”
Dave – (after a long pause) “Yea man, actually yu know, I have had breathin’ troubles, man. It’s like….it’s like fuckin’ cottonmouth of the lung, man. Cottonlung.”
Doc – (gives the x-ray to Dave) “Dave, there’s a blunt in yer lung.”
Dave – (wide-eyed with surprise) “Dude.”
Doc – “Dude.”
Sooo, me and Bruh and Sis just stopped at 7-11 and got M&M’s and fuckin’ Slurpees. The car is full of Slurpees. There’s seriously like 6 of them in the cupholders. Dude if we get pulled over, we’re so fucked. I can see it now.
Cop – (real suspicious) “Why the hell are there so many Slurpees in here?”
Me – (Roll down my window from the backseat, eyes red as shit, and yell in a fast and loud tone) “I needa refill without refillin’!”
Cop – “Ma’am get out of the car.”
Me – (soft and guilty) “K.”
Yer in class taking a test. Since it’s a test, the room is dead silent. Yer cell phone goes off, ringing really loud cuz you forgot to put it on silent. You look up to see how pissed yer professor is, and he’s holding his cell phone up to his ear, mouthing you the words “Pick it up.” So you answer and he says in a real calm voice, “The answer to number 6 is A. Love you.” Then he hangs up.
There’s an orange candle on the table. It’s lit. I walk over to go blow it out and it yells at me in a high-pitched, pre-pubescent boy voice. (The flame part.) “You ain’t got shit on me bitch!” I just kinda stare at it with a perplexed look on my face. It stares back with an ugly frown and eyebrows that resemble up-side down pinball flippers. Then I blow it out with one quick breath. Fooo! Bahahaha!