The Color Of Hunger

Posts Tagged ‘happiness

I’m not sure why I called in the first place. You never pick up anyways.

I wish I could have x-ray vision. But for feelings. Then I wouldn’t hafta guess anymore. I’d actually fall asleep within ten minutes of hitting the pillow. I’d actually know what to expect in return when my mind gets to those clingy and obsessed stages. Fuck I hate those stages. I never had those stages before you came into my life. I actually hafta make myself not want you, or else yer all I think about.

I feel like I’m following Hansel and Gretel. But you’ve got all the clocks in the world on pause and an unlimited supply of bread crumbs. I’ll get to a curve in the path sometimes and loose track of the trail. He’ll come back for me, I tell myself, emotions shaky, confidence shakier. (The broken is the beautiful, right love?) But you never do. I’m left to find my bearings all alone in these creepy woods. The trees are always laced with unfulfilled needs and wants. The forest constantly reeks. Strong whiffs of could-have-been’s and I-wishes get trapped in the linings of my nostrils, even when I come across the crumbs again.

My need’s dominating my want tonight. That’s never good. Potential danger is no stranger when the need overrides the want. Shit gets ugly, attachments grow stale, and most of all, desire becomes a deceiving enemy. I find myself in an epic battle with that word. Not a bloody one, just a simple scuffle. A Looney Tunes chase, per say, where nobody gets hurt and everybody goes back to normal at the end. Me versus Desire. But not vice versa.

Just give me a compass of yer sensitive side. Please? I know you have one, I’ve seen it. I crave the man I used to spend endless hours on the phone with. Not just for a quick fuck either. There was meaning behind the words we exchanged. At least I thought there was. Or am I just lost in those woods again?

When I search for yer bread crumbs, I search everywhere. Sometimes for days. Being lost is no fun, especially in those woods. I’ll get to that breaking point where nothing seems to matter much anymore and giving up is inevitable. The wildlife are protagonists, I’ve learned. They wipe my tears away with gentle paws and tilt my head up so I have no choice but to connect watery blue pupils with them. Lacking the ability to speak with their mouths, they use their eyes.

It’s amazing how silent love can be. An infinite language that the deaf can hear and the blind can see. So powerful, so distinct. I sit there for what seems like forever, locking irises with these creatures of inspiration. Until finally, they’ll bat an eyelash and force me to break my gaze. Slowly, without missing a beat, they point in unison at a tiny piece of bread underneath a fresh pile of leaves. I must have overlooked this spot before, must have walked right past it. Then they disappear among the masses of trees before I can even thank them.

I dust my knees off quickly with both hands and recover from where I left off. I suppose you’ve forgotten about me by now though. It’s been too long, I don’t blame you. And I’m sure you don’t either. But yet I continue following this twisted path. I can’t help it. I’m stuck on this endless journey of undeniable lust and blind reactions. Why won’t you come back for me? I’m so sick of following. Be by my side this time, I need a hand. A man’s hand. My man’s hand.

When people laugh and ask me what I see in you, I simply tell them “everything you don’t.” I never lack courage here, and why would I? By loving me, yer teaching me how to love myself. Love is life, and if you miss love, you miss life. And I guess it’s so incredible to me because I’ve never felt it this strongly before. I’m high without smoke, without pills. Everything I do is so enhanced and brighter with you on my mind. It sounds so fucking cliche, too. But it’s….true? Yea, true.

So this is my life. And I just want you to know that I am both happy and sad, but I’m still trying to figure out how that can be.


This was an assignment for LA class. We had to come up with a rule for life, pretty much any rule you could think of. So this is mine.

Happiness is not based on possessions or power, but on the relationships you make with the people you love and respect.

For my rule, I guess to fully understand it, you can’t be one of those money-hungry economists or businessmen who only care about how much they’ll make today or what kind of cash will be in their hand tomorrow. Happiness, I’ve learned so far in my eighteen years on this crazy Earth, is something you can’t touch. Something that the blind can see and the deaf can hear.

Hell, you could be the richest man in the entire world, but at the same time, the unhappiest. Living in a beautiful mansion along the sandy beaches of the Fiji Islands, retired at the ripe old age of 36, with billions and billions of dollars to your name sounds like a perfect picture of paradise, right? But what if there was a catch. The tiny writing on the bottom of the contract of life, the last two seconds of that ‘side-effect free’ Pepto-Bismol commercial. What if I said you could live that life of riches and bathe in all that fame and glory, but had to leave all your family and friends behind, having no contact with any of them for the rest of your life? You’d have all the essential things to live of course; money, food, and shelter. But without happiness and love, you’d have nothing to live for. At least I wouldn’t.

Marissa Krause, one of my closest friends, asked me the other day if I’d rather be filthy rich, but sad, or dirt poor, but happy. “Hmm, how bout’ filthy rich and happy, Sis? That sounds pretty good to me.” She just looked at me shaking her head back and forth, laughing quietly at my response. But once I got to thinking about the true reality of her question, I realized that indeed, if I did have a choice of these two, I’d have to go with the poor and happy one. And I don’t think I’d regret it either. To me, happiness is the key to life. So if you’ve found that, you’ve found life.

Spokane, WA. 26 years young. Aquarius, of course. I am a very optimistic individual driven by passion and creativity. Music is my inspiration to everything. I dig the nightlife. I enjoy discovering new craft beers and breweries. I like animals more than humans. The ocean is amazing. I have no idea what I wanna do with my life and prolly never will. But I'm going to succeed because I'm crazy enough to think I can.
August 2019
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